Your first custody hearing is coming up and you’re terrified. I get it. I spent over $250,000 and two years fighting for 50/50 custody of my son. The court system feels like it was designed to work against you as a father. And honestly, sometimes it is.
But here’s what I learned the hard way: preparation beats everything. The dads who walk in organized and documented win. The dads who wing it lose. It’s that simple.
This guide walks you through exactly what to do before your first hearing.
Start With Your Documentation Binder
Before you do anything else, build a physical binder (and a digital backup) with everything that matters. Your attorney will love you for this. The judge will notice. (Our full documentation guide breaks this down in detail.)
At minimum, your binder should contain:
- Communication logs with your ex (texts, emails, app messages). Print them. Don’t rely on your phone in court.
- Your parenting schedule with dates, times, pickups, dropoffs. Show patterns of involvement.
- School records showing your participation. Report cards, parent-teacher conference notes, field trip permission slips you signed.
- Medical records for your children that show you take them to appointments.
- Financial records showing child support payments, expenses for kids’ activities, clothing, school supplies.
- Photos and videos of you with your kids doing normal parent stuff. Not staged. Real life.
Understand What the Judge Is Looking For
Judges don’t care about your feelings. They don’t care that you’re hurt. They care about one thing: what’s best for the child.
Every state has a list of “best interest factors” that judges use to make custody decisions. Common ones include:
- Each parent’s relationship with the child
- Each parent’s willingness to support the child’s relationship with the other parent
- Stability of each parent’s home environment
- The child’s preference (depending on age)
- Each parent’s mental and physical health
- Any history of domestic violence or substance abuse
- Which parent has been the primary caregiver
Look up your state’s specific factors before your hearing. Know them. Then organize your evidence around proving you meet each one.
Get Your Living Situation Right
The judge will want to know your kids have a stable place to live with you. This doesn’t mean you need a mansion. It means:
- Your kids have their own bed (or at least their own sleeping space)
- Your home is clean and safe
- You have food in the fridge
- You’re in a stable housing situation (not crashing on someone’s couch)
- If you’ve recently moved, be ready to explain why and show it’s stable
Take photos of your kids’ room/space at your home. This is basic but a lot of dads forget to document it.
Know What NOT to Do
This is where a lot of fathers blow it. The courtroom is not the place for emotions. I know that’s hard to hear when someone is trying to take your kids away from you. But you have to keep it together.
- Don’t trash talk your ex in court. The judge is watching how you co-parent. If you’re ripping into the other parent, the judge sees a problem. Stick to facts.
- Don’t interrupt. Your ex’s lawyer will say things that make your blood boil. Let your attorney handle it.
- Don’t post about your case on social media. Nothing. Zero. Not even vague posts. Anything you post can and will be used against you.
- Don’t lie or exaggerate. Getting caught in one lie destroys your credibility on everything else.
- Don’t skip the hearing. This sounds obvious, but if you don’t show up, the judge makes decisions without you. Show up. Every time.
Prepare Your Testimony
You might be asked to speak. When you do:
- Be specific, not emotional. “I take my son to school every morning” beats “I love my kids more than anything.”
- Use dates and details. “On January 15th, I took my daughter to her pediatrician appointment at Dr. Smith’s office” is powerful.
- Keep it short. Answer the question asked. Don’t ramble.
- Practice with your attorney beforehand. Know what questions to expect.
Dress the Part
Business casual at minimum. Suit if you can. No jeans. No graphic tees. No hats. You’re trying to show a judge that you’re a responsible adult who takes this seriously. Dress like it.
The Night Before Checklist
- Binder organized with tabs and labeled sections
- Copies of everything for your attorney, the judge, and opposing counsel
- Outfit laid out (pressed, clean, professional)
- Court address confirmed, parking figured out
- Arrive 30 minutes early
- Phone on silent (not vibrate, SILENT)
- Snacks and water in the car (hearings can run long)
- Deep breath. You prepared for this.
One More Thing
The system isn’t built for fathers. I’m not going to lie to you about that. There’s bias. There’s unfairness. There are days where it feels like nothing you do matters.
But the fathers who prepare, who document, who show up, who stay calm, who play the long game… those are the fathers who win. I’m living proof of that. Two years, $250K, and I have 50/50 custody of my son. It was worth every penny and every sleepless night.
You can do this. Start preparing today.
FAQ
Do I need a lawyer for my first custody hearing?
Strongly recommended. You can represent yourself, but a family law attorney who understands your state’s custody factors will significantly improve your outcome. If money is tight, look into legal aid organizations in your area or attorneys who offer payment plans.
What if my ex has a lawyer and I don’t?
You’re at a disadvantage, but it’s not hopeless. Focus on what you can control: be prepared, be organized, be factual. The judge still has to consider the evidence regardless of who presents it. But seriously, try to find legal representation even if it means making sacrifices elsewhere.
How long does a first custody hearing usually take?
Initial hearings are often short (15-30 minutes) and may result in temporary orders while the full case is being prepared. Don’t expect a final ruling at the first hearing. This is usually about setting the framework for the process ahead.
What if I’m accused of something I didn’t do?
Stay calm. Document everything that disproves the accusation. Work with your attorney on a strategy. False allegations are unfortunately common in custody cases and judges are aware of this. Evidence and consistency are your best defense. (Read about parental alienation tactics here.)